I know i’m not special or anything. So many people have things a million times worse than me. I know that. I’m not trying to say that my life is horrible or justify anything. This is more for me than it is for you. I just think i need to get these things down somewhere. Well, i don’t need to but i think it might help. I don’t know. Maybe it won’t help anything – maybe it’ll just make me cry. It’ll probably do that either way. I cry about so many things lately. Half the time, i don’t even know why i’m crying. It’s stupid. I feel stupid and crazy crying over nothing. I cry about parts of books that aren’t even sad. I cry when i think about certain things. It’s stupid. I almost cried at parents evening when my maths teacher was just talking to me about what i need to do, and then i did cry when my physics teacher was talking about how i wasn’t doing well. It wasn’t because it was a shock or anything – i knew i was flopping, and i knew she was going to say that, and i knew i still had time to sort it out – at least, i hoped i did, anyway. I don’t know why was i crying, i still don’t know. Just because people were talking to me. I don’t even know. It’s so stupid. I get shaky and close to tears sometimes when people like teachers are just talking to me, or when i talk to them and have to explain something. When i have to do public speaking as well, or even when i’ve just been asked a question by a teacher in a lesson and i’m answering. I get so annoyed at myself. Why are you like nearly crying? You’re just talking, you’re not even doing anything – what’s wrong with you?
I cried at the end of will grayson, will grayson even though it was a happy ending. And i mean i cried. I really cried, really hard. I was doubled over in my bed crying, my stomach hurting, my throat hurting. It was the middle of the night i think. I had stayed up late to finish off the book. I think i read the whole thing in one day. It was a school day, and i think i was halfway in tears reading it at school. It’s a nice book. Happy ending. But i couldn’t stop crying because one of the will graysons is depressed. And even though it was a happy ending, it wasn’t really to me because i knew that will would always be depressed, there isn’t a cure – he was taking medication but he was still depressed because that was just part of who he is. And it made me think of all the people that are depressed, really properly medically depressed not just sad, that may never be happy, not really. I know people who have been depressed, or who are depressed, and it just really got to me. I cried so hard for this fictional character. I kept telling myself ‘he’ll be okay, he’s got gideon, he’ll be okay’ but i couldn’t stop thinking ‘he won’t be okay, though, because he’s depressed, he always will be, he may never be truly happy, not ever’ and i thought of all the times i’d called myself depressed and i thought how insulting that was because i don’t even know what depression is. I’m not depressed. I don’t know what i am, i get miserable about stuff sometimes and i may cry, but other people have it so much worse. There has been nothing bad in my life, not really, not compared to some people’s. Some people closest to me have it a million times worse, i know that. And i feel like i’m undermining their suffering or something by thinking my life is bad, because it’s nothing compared to theirs. I don’t think undermining’s the right word. I think you probably know what i meant.
And yes, of course, i am crying as i write this. Or i was, anyway. I knew i would. I cry at everything lately. I never used to. I used to be pretty good at not crying at stuff, and that was good because i don’t like to feel like a soppy girl crying over everything, but that’s what i do lately. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. That’s /really/ not what i’m trying to do. I’m just writing it how it is. I’m writing whatever comes to my mind, so sorry if none of this makes any sense. It probably doesn’t. It’s like something we did in english last year, when we were doing our creative writing bit. A type of narrative called ‘stream of consciousness’. It’s not quite like that because i am filtering and editing a little bit, but basically i’m saying whatever comes to mind. Because i can’t deal with things in my mind. I never have been able to. That’s why i write things down, why i can’t do mental maths even though i’m doing maths a-level, and i have loads of bits of paper in my pencil case for writing down story ideas and stuff.
I’m sorry if this is really long and hard to follow because of the lack of sense and the lack of paragraphs. My head doesn’t have a lot of good places to pause and start again. But i wanted to do something like this because my head isn’t a good place to keep all my thoughts. It’s too messy and hard to keep track of stuff. Things overlap and make no sense, and maybe that makes this a bad idea because it’s going to be the same, but at least i can read back over it and try and make it into some sort of sense. Maybe. It’s better than it being in my head, anyway. There i have no chance of making it make sense. Too many thoughts at once, too many things that conflict and run over each other and try to be thought at once. It’s impossible to get anything straight. I hope this makes a bit more sense. I’m hoping that once i get all the messy, crazy stuff out of the way, i won’t have to keep thinking it in my head, and then i can lose some of the clutter and then maybe i can follow a train of thought through to the end. Because this stuff has been filling everything up for ages, all the space.
I remember another stupid time i cried. It was the day after that parents evening where i cried all over the place. I was still feeling stupidly tearful and stuff for no reason. I was on the edge of breaking i think. It was in maths, and we were doing work or whatever, but i just couldn’t think about it. It was one of those times that i know that if i think about something, i will break. So to avoid thinking about it [i don’t even know what the it was], i was writing. That’s another thing i do. To avoid thinking about stuff – usually stuff like revision and exams and uni and stress [i’ll get back to that later] – to avoid thinking, i write. Story stuff. Think about characters, think about stories, think about other stuff to avoid thinking about /that/ stuff. I was doing that in maths to keep from breaking, and i was kind of almost in tears anyway – i was struggling not to cry because i was in the middle of maths and there were loads of people and i didn’t want them to see me crying for no apparent reason, and they would have all just started asking me what was wrong and i had no idea so i didn’t want that, i didn’t want them to notice me anyway because i never do. But my teacher saw me writing and told me to put it away. I did but once he went away i brought it back out again, because i was too messed up to concentrate on the work and i needed to calm down and the only thing that i could do to keep me calm was write, so i needed to do that. So he tried to take the paper off me, and i said no because i was writing my gay story and it would have been weird for him to see it. I said i would put it away and keep it away this time, and he made me put my pencil case on the windowsill so i couldn’t take it out again. And that was just worse because then i had nothing to stop me crying, and i felt so stupid and i was trying to make myself stop, but what with the general tearfulness left over from the parents evening and the emotionalness of whatever i’d been writing for my gay story and the slight confrontational stuff with the teacher which i’m not used to and doesn’t help… my teacher took me outside to talk to me, and of course for whatever reason talking makes the crying thing even worse so that wasn’t helping. He was worried about me or whatever because obviously he could see that i was close to crying. He thought what i’d been writing was something like what i’m doing now, getting down my thoughts and stuff – that made me feel even more stupid, like i’m some stupid little girl that has to write down her /feelings/ in a diary [ha ha, that’s pretty much what i’m doing now]. But anyway it was annoying, i wasn’t even doing that but my writing is still important to me, and it’s the only thing i have. If i didn’t have my writing, i honestly think i would be depressed, properly depressed, because there’s nothing else.
Okay, now I’m having one of those weird times where it starts to look like everything’s really small, like it’s all much further away from me than it is, including my own body and hands and the laptop. This happens sometimes. It’s really weird and kind of giving me a headache. I don’t know what’s going on. I think i’ve been sitting here typing for too long. Maybe it’s a sign i should stop and go and watch merlin and have lunch. That’s another thing i do. Because sometimes i have these times where i don’t feel like doing anything – i don’t feel like writing, or reading, or drawing, or anything, so i just put on something on tv, maybe some show i have on dvd like merlin or buffy or angel, and i just watch and watch and refuse to think. Actually, buffy and angel aren’t so good because mostly they’re more serious. Merlin can be serious too but not as much. Friends is the best. It’s just funny. You don’t have to think or be sad or whatever. Well, maybe sometimes, but it’s still mostly funny. I did that this morning after i finished the perks of being a wallflower and that was starting to make me all dodgy like will grayson did, and i didn’t want to think so i just wacked on some merlin.
I can’t keep up with my own thoughts. My head’s so weird. It’s still doing that everything-looks-small thing.
After will grayson, after all that crying, i spent at least a few days watching friends nonstop. That way i could stop thinking about the depression stuff, just stop thinking about it, forget everything, forget everything except monica and rachel and chandler and phoebe and joey and ross and ugly naked guy. I think directly after i’d stopped crying, i put on a couple of friends episodes because i knew if i tried to sleep right after that i’d just lie there for five hours thinking and crying and everything hurt from that crying i’d just done. I probably also went to sleep with music on, because that’s the only way to get me to sleep when my head is full of thoughts, and also it usually stops me dreaming, and i didn’t want to dream about will grayson and depression and just make everything worse.
As for the maths crying thing, once i went home that day, i just cried properly. No more sitting in lesson trying not to try, holding it in, etc. I just let myself cry. Like i did on those days when it was just too much that one of my best friends had been taken halfway across the world without any warning whatsoever. I got home from school, went up to my room, and let it out. And i felt so much better after that. Sometimes crying is really good. Sometimes you just need to stop and let it all out and just cry and then you feel fresh afterwards. Like, you know it’s all still there, but you just feel better anyway. I don’t know what’s up with that. I think i might have to do that some point soon. It’s all building up again. It’s still the holiday, but not for much longer, and then if i still feel like this we’re just going to have more incidents like in maths. And that’s not good. Especially as exams are coming up. I won’t go into that, it’s not going to help one bit.